A birthday letter to my Madelyn,

A birthday letter to my Madelyn,

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!  No words can express what an amazing year this has been and what you have brought to my life.  Just a year ago I was selfish.  I thought of me, what I wanted, what I had to have, what I didn't have.  I was naive.  I had no idea there was so much more to life.  I think of my life today and it is completely opposite.  I no longer think of myself, I think of you and then our family and then I think of me - if I get around to me.  When you are sick, I want nothing more than to make you better.  When you cry, I want to make you smile.  When you are at school, I miss you and feel this pain in my heart that makes me want to go get you right then and there.  I anticipate the smile I will receive when I first open your classroom door.  I think about that smile as I drive to your school.  On the way home we sing, you smile and look out the side window taking everything in and I listen to you talk.  I wonder what you are saying and look forward to the day we have conversations.  It occured to me the other day that I'm one of those Mom's that spends as much time with her eyes on the road as she does with her eyes in the rear view mirror interacting with her child.  I love that.  I dreamed of being that Mommy.  The Mommy sitting idly next to me at a stop light looking in the mirror, talking to her child. 

The fact that Daddy and I worked so hard to get you here makes you all the sweeter to us.  It makes the littlest moments extraordinary.  We take nothing for granted.  Madelyn, you are so special.  I will explain to you many times over your life how special you are but you will never understand how special you are to me.  I think all of the time..."she was only one of twelve embryos to survive".  I instantly kiss you.  I am so thankful to have you.

Year one makes me think about the rest of the years we will be spending together.  I want to bond with you and be there for you and be there for every moment you need me to be.  I want to be your Mommy, the best Mommy I can be,  the Mommy you need me to be.  What an awesome responsibility.  It's the hardest and most rewarding job I have ever had.  It feels so natural to want to love you and protect you and be with you-to make you smile and keep you healthy.

When you were born people kept telling me to "enjoy every minute".  Family said it, friends and co-workers said it and even strangers said it.  I spent a lot of time holding you and trying to "take it all in".  I remember holding you at 7 pounds and trying to memorize the feel of holding you at 7 pounds because I knew that tomorrow you would be 7 pounds 1 ounce and the next day you would weigh a little more and so on.  I cried repeatedly to your father telling him that I felt like time was passing by so quickly(really crying) and that I couldn't take it all in -"it" wasn't tangible. 

As hard as I tried and as many pictures as I took, I look back in awe at just how tiny you were and I barely remember the things I tried so hard to burn into my memory.  The first few weeks were hard and I was hard on myself.  I felt guilty if I didn't read to you daily or get on the floor and play with you even though you were sleeping 20 hours or more a day.  I put excrutiating expectations on myself as a first time Mother.  I was trying to live up to what I envisioned a good Mother would be. Something amazing happened though...I learned to give myself a break.  I then started to enjoy being a Mom more.  I didn't try to keep the house free of laundry, dishes, dust and dirt.  I learned to let it go and enjoy you and your littleness.  I learned that memories were being made when my house was at it's dirtiest.  The days that my house was the dirtiest I realized I had spent the most quality time with you.  Soon, I started realizing that yes, you were growing up but I was also enjoying you grow and it didn't matter so much that I couldn't remember exactly how it felt to hold you at 7 pounds because I was holding you at 25 pounds.  I knew you better and enjoyed your blooming personality and was living in that moment.  Things were finally clicking for me as a Mother.

I must reflect back since it's your birthday...One moment I will always remember is how much love I felt when I first laid eyes on you.  I remember your cry.  It was so soft and hoarse because you were born two weeks early.  I will always remember your little fingers hanging on the plastic of the warmer you layed in.  I remember thinking how all of the nurses that were handling you must be thinking to themselves "Wow, this is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen" because you were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen (simply because you were my own).  Seeing you lie in your warmer after you were born on January 18th, 2011 at 9:33 am was so magical.  Your Daddy and I wanted you so badly for so long and there you were.  I helplessly stared at you from 15 feet away as the Doctors worked on me.  I wanted to know every single thing about you right that instant.  Your Daddy paced around the room excitedly and talked to your Grandmother on the phone telling her that you were named after her.  You looked so alone laying there naked and crying.  I thought about how confused you must be and what a crazy morning you had.  I wanted nothing more than to get up and walk over to that warmer and pick you up and hug you, assuring you that it would be okay and that I would always be there for you.  I signaled to your Daddy, "go touch her!"  "Touch her!" I gestured to him.  If I couldn't be right there with you I wanted him to be.  He was so proud he was texting and making phone calls - he couldn't help himself.  The nurse finally brought you over to me and as I held you I told you how long I had waited to meet you.  You cried and that was the first moment I remember being able to assure you that it was okay.

Madelyn, you were and are a beautiful baby.  You get more beautiful by the day and I am still amazed at how many people stop us while we are out and tell us how beautiful you are.  One man stopped your Daddy and I a few weeks ago and said "I just want you to know how beautiful she is, like, she is so beautiful I can't take my eyes off of her."  We are always so proud to hear people complement you and tell us that they think you are as beautiful as we do.  We beam with the brightest smiles and say thank you so proudly.

Moreso than your outer beauty I have enjoyed your inner beauty this past year.  You are happy and smart, such a joy to be around.  I love so many things that you do from waving "Ni-ni" to signing "milky".  Crawling to the big chair in the living room and signaling that you want up because you love sitting in that chair and rolling around.  I love that you love to read and are so attentive.  You know your books backwards and forward.  You know what you like and what you don't and you aren't afraid to let anyone know.  I love that you are such a great eater.  I love your bulldog face.  I love your bed head smiles in the morning.  I love watching you hold your lovey and the way you put your paci in upside down 90% of the time but you are clueless.  I love when you point to your head at any given time, especially when we sing "head, shoulders, knees and toes".  I love the connection you have with your "Dah-Dah" - it's so beautiful and magical and I feel honored to witness it.

I feel in my heart that you were put here for me and I am here for you.  I will always be here for you no matter what the circumstance. 

I love you more than there are words.  You are my world.

Love,
Mommy